Cihan had hurried to Golden Gate. He stepped on the gas,
swearing at Edom and hitting the wheel.
“Enough, Edom, get out of my life! Breathe some other place,
live without me. Find a new best friend. You have money, you are
rich. Don’t mess with me!”
He opened the window, swearing loudly, and when he saw a
young same-sex couple walking hand in hand he put himself in
their place. He wanted to push Edom off the bridge—Edom or
himself. All he wanted was to end this suffering.
He parked his car and ran to the bridge but he couldn’t see
anybody on it. There was no one around except a few old homeless
Was it really possible that he was too late? He didn’t want Edom
to die, especially because of him.
“Please, God. Does he hate me enough to leave me with a lifetime
It was 3.32 a.m. when Cihan arrived at the bridge. The wind was
blowing, hitting his face and hurting Cihan. He wished he could
only feel that pain, but the pain inside was so big that even the
wind would be surprised. His heart was hitting him; he became
blue with cold. He saw someone under a brown leather jacket laying
down in the corner by the entrance. A handsome young man
with a cool sports car was sleeping on the ground like a desperate
“What do you want from me?”
Cihan didn’t care about the tears on his cheeks. He surrendered
completely and walked toward the man on the ground.
Edom pulled his jacket from his head. The look in his eyes was
saying both come and go.
“Are you here?” He asked only to confirm what he saw. “Thanks.”
“I’m here.” Cihan bent down in front of Edom. “Why are you
doing this to yourself? Okay, you don’t care about yourself, so why
are you doing this to me?”
Edom said everything without speaking. Cihan got lost in his
silence. Finally he decided to sit down beside Edom, looking directly
at the bridge.
“Are you going to jump from here? Damn, you’ll hit a rock,
He was trying to cheer Edom up, but ended up feeling like a
clown. Edom was still silent. His heart was beating in an almost
dead body. Cihan put his hood back on his head and leaned over
the handrail. The cold hurt him, but all of a sudden the pain left
Edom put his head on Cihan’s shoulders. Cihan didn’t get mad;
he was really calm. He would surrender to Edom no matter what
he did. He laid all his weapons down, was surprised by himself.
Could one call it pitying or heroism or fidelity?
He had known the owner of the head on his shoulder for years.
Cihan was sure now that he was deep in curiosity. Edom didn’t
know that; all he knew was that Cihan was holding his hand now.
It was a dark moment so it was still possible to destroy everything,
but it was stupid to deny the truth. Cihan couldn’t stop what was
destined to happen. The future was holding a gun to his head and
saying “Death or knot!” He hadn’t chosen death, so Cihan found
Cihan was bringing Edom home. He turned on the car lights
and turned off his own light. His world became dark, and San
Francisco was very scary in this world. It was the last call to sin.
Cihan didn’t listen to it anymore. The night got dirty. Cihan was
walking on the hair of life, and life was losing its hair and would
become bald soon.
Cihan felt like he was cleaning paint from his face. It was the
same color as the bridge, connecting him to the bridge, but there
was no way out. He wanted to do something more extreme than
death. He wanted to choke his curiosity. Cihan only said, “Why
not?” The heart could carry most lies, but couldn’t tolerate lying to
itself. The human had two halves. The only thing that could make it
whole was the opposite sex. When he put same sex pieces together,
the entity would be still half.
What would he call himself and his dead body? He couldn’t go
home that way. In his home remained another Cihan, but he wasn’t
the same guy anymore.
He named himself with a black mark.
Edom wasn’t the one to blame. Cihan had surrendered and became
a slave to curiosity. What would happen now? The car was
shaking like wine in an earthquake; he didn’t have enough courage
to keep driving. He parked his car on a parking lot and closed his
eyes. His eyes closed him as well.